Friday, September 3, 2010

Dana Perino: 'Barack, we need to talk'

Dana Perino writes an excellent piece on likening the relationship between America and Barack Obama to a romantic relationship between a girlfriend and boyfriend. I couldn't help but think of some great corollaries that could come from her analogy. If ideological love truly exists, then America found true love when Ronald Reagan was president. After his passing, we were widowed. The political "dating scene" has been pretty funky ever since.

When the chivalrous George H.W. Bush fought that big bad Saddam for us, we thought we were in love again until he took the paycheck money that he promised he would never touch and bought a whole bunch of stuff with it that we didn't need. I knew it was not a relationship based on trust. Anyone who says "read my lips" and then does it anyway ultimately gets dumped.

Unfortunately, America sacraficed its moral values when it jumped into bed with Bill. He might have been a good provider, but the lying was just too much. With Ronald it was love. With Bill it was lust.

Then there was George. He wasn't the smoothest talker in the world but he kept us safe after the house got broken into and a  lot of stuff got damaged. He didn't pay attention to the money because he was so obsessed with fighting bad guys that he would often come home with cuts and bruises. We ended up fighting like cats and dogs. It hit the fan when we found out that that he let Barney and Chris handle the bills and they had screwed us up financially.

I think it's maybe partially our fault because we really never appreciated what he was trying to do for us. We could have said something to him earlier about the finances, but we went along with it. And with the relationship we are currently in now, we'd probably take George back in a heartbeat if we could.

Barack was a smooth talker who swept us off our feet. But he turned out to be a lot more like a really bad boyfriend named Jimmy. We dumped Jimmy when we met our true love. Ronald was our greatest love. Barack may even  be worse than Jimmy. I fear that we may have just made a mess of this whole thing.

I know how we ended up with Barack. He came along at a time when we were vulnerable after Ronald died. We really weren't happy with the people we were dating. Ron was kind of wierd and Mitt was too metrosexually conservative that we just couldn't tell if he was real or not. Fred was great in ideological bed, but he was never around as much as we would have liked. Mike was a nice guy, but he was too nice, ya know? We thought we might end up settling for John, but he wasn't as ideologically good looking as we wanted.

I remember before Barack and we became an item. Hillary was constantly hitting on us and Barack did everything to stop her from getting us. John was okay, but we fooled ourselves into thinking we were in love with Barack. I think it was more that we were in love with the idea of being in love than anything else. Barack never loved us. He thought we were arrogant and mean. But he was a great b.s. artist and like I said a real smooth talker.

What makes matters worse is that while we were falling for Barack, we harbored a deep secret that we still to this day can't fully admit. When we were on a date with John, he introduced us to his friend Sarah and we have just not been able to keep our eyes off of her ever since. All of Barack's friends hate her and they talk crap about her all the time hoping we'll believe it and never leave Barack for her. Shannyn, Jeanne and Keith think we should stay with Barack. They're like soap opera characters the way they try to undermine Sarah. They are forever spreading rumors about her or writing nasty stuff about her on the bathroom wall hoping they can make us think she's a political "ho" so we don't pursue her.

Part of us believes them and we think we might hate her. But we really don't know why. Yet, part of us gets ideologically turned on everytime we're around her. It's so conflicting. Everything they say about her is a lie, yet we tell people she'd never make a great "ideological spouse." It's like we are just denying our feelings for her. We are obsessed with her. We can't get over the fact that she is as ideologically hot as Ronald was, but we have this cognitive dissonance going on in our heads. We so want to jump in ideological bed with her, but we're really afraid of the commitment.

I don't know how much longer we can resist her. She hits on us all the time. She practically made out with us at the rally. We know we want it. But we're too afraid our friends will be mad at us if we do. Damn them!

Barack's friends were so mad about that rally. They said some pretty mean things about Sarah, her friend Glenn and the people at the rally. Glenn won't admit it, but I think he's secretly trying to set us up with her.

I think our reluctance has something to do with being afraid that she might leave us. They say she "quit" her relationship with Alaska. They say she just walked right out on them one day. But they never told us that the real reason why she walked out on Alaska was because it was an abusive relationship. When she came home from hanging out with John and us, they were so jealous. They beat her and accused her of cheating on them with us.

She still loves Alaska, though, despite the abuse. She never has a bad word to say about them. In fact, she talks about them all the time. But it is becoming more and more apparent that she is really in love with us. I think she loves us more than we even know. Could we possibly love her back as much?

We can't deny ourselves any longer. We need to sit down with Barack and let him know it's not working out. "It's not, you, Barack. It's us. We're just too conservative for you. No hard feelings, okay? You're a good dad, but you're just too bossy and you never let us do the things we need to do to make the house run right."

 He's always out spending money with his union and bank buddies while the house is falling apart. He won't fix the refrigerator or mow the yard, but he can go on vacation. Now we're broke because of him.

We need to just get over our fears and give into these deep desires that we have and get involved with Sarah. Why deny ourselves any longer the torrid ideological love affair we as a country have longed for since the passing of our beloved Ronald.

1 comment:

  1. Powerful essay - you kept the "relationship" metaphors strong and true, and this was an emotional read for me. The Palin section was perfect.

    And yes, we're all still a bit misty-eyed over the passing of Reagan. Even my son who is just 17, and never really knew Ronald, misses him.